Guppy Gossip 6.4

I write a weekly fantasy football article for my league. It's usually not very re-printable due to excessive misogyny and f-bombs but this week I thought it was both above-average in quality and clean:
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Welcome comrades to Guppy Gossip Perestroika edition!
This week we have many good things to share with fantasy football brothers and sisters all over our beloved homeland. The heroes from the front lines have made their sacrifices for our enjoyment and we can all make sacrifices too for the betterment of all Russia. We look at the heroic deeds they have done right now, shall we begin?

1. Tony Romo - Comrade Tony brings us many glorious touchdowns to Dez Bryant and many yards and scores, for the betterment of his home province of Texas but for all of us as well. We are proud even in his failures for he symbolizes the mediocrity, the victories and failures we all share in, these values we all hold dear.

2. Tim Tebow - Although we do look down on religious distractions here in the motherland, we still admire Tebow for his strong arms and work ethic. The plains of Colorado imitate the endless fields of Russia which must be worked every day. Our hard labor brings us together so we know we can face any enemy. Our love of land and home is what makes us strong but we also love our work horse, like Tim Tebow, a bronco is a symbol of strength and unity.

3. Fred Jackson - This tall warrior is seen on our government-issued televisions looks much like Egyptian Pharoah, but yet he fights in the cold weather like our soldiers helped defend Stalingrad. There in Buffalo they enjoy cheap vodka to help forget about work and ease the drive to our homes. Stalin would be proud that the Bills would not give up just like we did not give up. He runs just like the cowards who hate communism run in the night from our KGB agents. Ha ha.

4. Wes Welker - Of course you knew we would honor comrade Welker! He too left the warm lands of sunny beaches to suffer just like we do! Last year he earned his White Devil name by laughing at enemy coach's love of wife's feet. Any chance to laugh at a capitalist or freedom we must do so. They only take our best people by seducing them with money. But we would never be so foolish. Russian women cook better, can drink more and are more warm although American women are coming more closer to it. Wes Welker makes snow-angels during football game to remember home in Ukraine!

5. Adrian Peterson - This is our best secret agent. Nobody would expect black man from Moscow, but then this is their foolish loss not to know! He makes his best playing while Tavaris Jackson or Donovan McNabb throws, yet nobody is suspicious. Only fumbles the ball for Brett Favre in playoffs. Americans are seeing him being the best runner again, well they are the ones who will be sorry! He helps us distribute the best communist pornography from Minneapolis but there is subliminal communist messages inside. You may already be under their control, we know what you watching!

Eli Manning - This is our biggest failure. The evil capitalist values are most strong in New York. Our KGB planners failed to see that Eli could be a double agent. The tall buildings made him doubt that all homes should be owned by our government. Who needs to own your own home when the state distributes to us whatever our needs are? Even worse, he would not drink the Stonichnaya vodka we send, fed the caviar to the family dog. We hate him more than we hate Ivan Drago. You do not play for yourself, you play for all Russia! Or else.